Inhale

This is where we live most of our lives. This is where I am now, holding my breath. Waiting. In between the dream and the dream come true. But the question is this: am I truly willing to wait without trying to control my life as I see fit?

Waiting is always the hardest start. This is a treacherous land. Thousands have laid their bones to rest in this valley. And I must admit, part of me feels comforted by the thought of sleeping with skeletons.

But a voice, a whisper – maybe just the wind, or maybe the Creator of the wind – bids me to steady my stance, to still my shaking legs and hold my ground. Because to move forward unbidden is the same as to lay down and die. This is not my home, but the time to leave has not yet come. Soon, but not yet.

And in the moments ahead, everything will change.

For the past few years, I’ve been maxing out at about seventy percent. But most of the time I’ve been living at about half of the potential I know is buried somewhere deep inside myself. Add to this a series of unavoidable casualties and irreversible setbacks – wounds given and received – and the weight of immobility begins to sink in. I wonder: could I leave even if I wanted to?

But I’ve sensed a shift in the wind. Subtle. Nearly imperceptible, yet inescapably real. Could it be true? Could He be coming to free me from this weight?

And then, at other times, I’m certain that nothing is different, that the days ahead hold only more of the same. That I truly am stuck.

Everything hangs on this moment. Everything depends on what happens next.

I’m holding my breath in anticipation. Without a doubt, despite my doubts, rescue is coming. I may not see it, hear it, taste it, smell it, or feel it, but it is coming. And when the coming months have taken their toll, I know I will not be the only one to stand in awe before the marvelous workings of the Redeemer – the Author and Finisher. This is as much an invitation as a declaration. Hope for it. Believe it. Expect it.

As for me, I am done arranging my life. I lift up my hands in surrender. Change is coming, not through my inaction, but in ways that my actions alone could never bring about. When these shadows and scars are behind me, all the glory will be Yours. Your mighty arm alone is able to save. You alone will have done this.

So this is me, waiting to exhale.

In Which I Can’t Decide Which Metaphor To Use, So I Use Both And Find That Neither Satisfies

I.
Been face to face
with this brick wall for
daysmonthsyears, growing
weary, dizzy staring at the pattern
of defeat, dead ends.

But now the wall is tumbling,
each brick falling, forming paths
away from this place.

Endless options, but
now I’m not sure I want to leave.

II.
Immobilized by mobilization,
I find that more of my roots have taken hold
than I could have ever imagined.

Yet still I rise, despite the tearing
tendrils, despite the protest
of bark twisting, cracking, snapping –
shrapnel, or souvenirs
for those who are to follow.

I pull and the earth pulls back.

Entertainment Fast, Day 28

The past week or two have been pretty good. I've had a lot of good distractions - family, holidays, basset hounds, GYC. I wonder what is going to happen though when I go back to my normal routine of nothingness. It is then, when all the hours of the day are stretched out before me, that I think it won't hurt to spend a little time on the Internet or playing a game... and if I was really able to limit myself, there wouldn't be any harm. But before I realize what has happened, half the day has slipped away and I feel lethargic.

I would like some purpose in my life. A reason to wake up in the morning. And I'm not talking about an overarching purpose like the Great Commission or anything like that... I'm talking about something specific and practical. Like a job. Yeah, that'd be nice... except that I'd most likely despise 99% of the jobs I'm currently qualified for. Though I think it'd be good for a while because then I'd have some good poetry material. But now I'm getting off topic.

So I guess I'm supposed to tell you something I've learned from my fasting. Hmm. 1. The power of boredom and amusement are great. 2. The freedom you feel when you say no once in a while is even greater.

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In other news:

"I sold my passion for a dime unto a thousand hungry eyes." And it sounds like a reminder of all the words I've written about success and faithfulness. So evasive when you need it most. She moves like the wind. "The slow climb, slow steady burn." I strain against pillars, but my enemies aren't the only ones I keep at arm's length. Still, the claws run down my back. "I've got the coldest heart." Somebody sure knows he's on TV. Footprints on clouds, but the witnesses hold me up. I am convicted despite disapproval. You want to trade a red apple for a green one. I wonder about oranges. "It's the arching of a life, and it's hanging in the air." There is one thing we all need... one thing we don't deserve... one thing we are offered: mercy, mercy, mercy.